what the fuck!

im ready to end my life..... got nothing left to live for.

augh!

my life is so frustrating!!! i cant seem to do anything right and now i just look like a bigger idiot. so we started our hockey playoffs last week and ours is a 3 game series, so we were winning the first game but then barely lost in overtime. then we had our second game at home and again we were winning but then a defenseman took a stupid penalty and we lost in overtime. so now i, not having any ice time at all for the last few weeks, feel pathetic and unwanted. because its obvious that my coach has given up on me. he doesnt even try to tell me how to improve. i just hate being around him, i want to just give up and stop. in school today i wasnt doing my work so my teacher just freaks on me and tells me to get to work... few minutes later and im still not doing it, and he nearly moves me to a different spot, but my computer wasnt working, it didnt load the site we needed for atleast 10 minutes, but while it was loading i opened another tab and was reading some news (which loaded perfectly fine might i add) and he got pissed.  right now i just want to go die in a hole! just to end my life and stop it before it gets any worse.....

tired and depressed..

hmmm so i really am not doing good now. my whole life is slowly but surely dragging me down, i can barely keep up with it. i need to quit my job because i need more sleep (i work in the mornings), and hockey is nearly finished, less than a month, so if i do those two things then i should hopefully catch up a bit. i really just rely on my music to try and get me through this time.... and thats hard enough cause everyone talks to me so i cant listen at all. some good songs that im listening to are: headstrong by trapt, chop suey by system of a down, bully and second chance and breaking inside by shinedown, careless whisper by seether, scars and last resort by papa roach, i will not bow and breath and had enough by breaking benjamin. they are all pretty good songs. any other suggestions?

............ =(

so pretty much my life has just taken a dive off the deep end. i had a futsal game last week and got in a fight with my coach/goalie (its just an intramural team) and we are ticked at eachother now, not that i really care cause i never liked him anyways.... anyways lately ive had a lot of trouble sleeping. or rather getting up in the morning... i cant find the motivatoin to wake up at all. ive missed work a couple of times because of it and i hate it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEx-HYsmOQ8 this is a pretty good song to describe how i feel, i guess. i like to listen to my music, it helps me to express myself.

so bored....

today was a boring day. i actually did nothing today. woke up half an hour before class started, snapped my sack and got there in time. didnt say a word in any of my classes, just sat there pretending to listen. then i came home and listened to music from my ipod for a while, mostly three days grace i like them, and then watched some tv with my mom, she always watches jeopardy. then i came to the computer and thought i should write some more on this blog because it really lets me relax.

random....

so i had a busy day today. first i had school, my first day on my second semester, so i got to all my new classes no problem and found i have a fairly easy semester. first i have a 40 min bible class, with one of the best teachers so thats pretty fun i guess, not gonna have a huge homework load from that. then i have 40 min of forensic science by dlp so that will be simple, ill just finish real fast and then relax. after that i have 80 min of social, thats the worst, it is with the most annoying teacher ever, she thinks everybody likes her, but shes brutal. and she just got back from mat-leave. then lunch of course, and then i have 80 min of work experience at the elementary school with a friend teaching gym class, that will be kinda boring but we get to plan out all the games and such. then i have 80 min of actual gym class but it is with the same terrible teacher so hopefully it wont be too bad. but after all that today i had hockey practice, which got off to a bad start because our coach was ticked. then i had time to relax for about half an hour, and then i played futsal on my intramural team. that was the most depressing part. just so everyone knows... my futsal team sucks balls (its not very good), like we have played 3 games i think and lost all of them. i happen to be the best player on my team, except for one guy, but he never comes. so i scored twice today and somebody else scored once so we had our best game so far, but still lost 4-3.....

Starting Second Semester...

so, this is my second semester in grade eleven, and the first one sucked big time.... but i also had 4 core subjects so that was pretty bad. this semester should be better because i have two easy DLP courses, social, and then PE for 4 periods, two i am teaching elementary kids, the others i am in. so hopefully it will be easy flying from here on this year. hockey is going to be finishing up soon so thats good, but what really sucks at the end of every year, our team goes to Montana for a tournament, but this year they did it early for some stupid reason, so we arent even going to that.... and another thing that is dragging my attitude down too, is that some retard bought the soccer fields at the end of last year, and now he doesnt want us to play on it, so we might not have a team... it was sweet cause last year i was on the U-16 team, and even though our team sucked, me and two other guys got pulled up to play in the U-18 provincials for our town, which we won. so this year when i am actually a U-18 player, and our association was hoping to host provincials this year, we might not have a team... which is terrible because we are going to have a great team this year... anyways that was a fairly long post for me so ta-ta..... hopefully i have time to do this again... unless im am too depressed. =(

Post-Exam Period

hmm so i might have gotten lucky on that last exam and passed, but i dont think so. if i have to take that course again, i will be so pissed off... thats bio for those of you who didnt know. went to a friends house last night and played some green ghost at like 11, that was fun, but it was freezing and i just wanted to leave. lately ive been involved with my friends a lot, but i think thats just because they want me to be happy.... not gonna happen. i totally forgot i was supposed to work this morning and so i just slept in and went to a doctors appointment. the doctor was some indian man and i could barely understand him... he didnt help at all, just asked how id been feeling lately. what a waste of time. ive got a hockey game today, so i hope we can finally win another game and not lose, cause everytime we lose, my coach gets ticked at us. even me,  when i dont play... got a few days off school now, so hopefully i can catch up on some sleep...

My life as of now.

Well, hello anyone who bothers to read this... this is my first time blogging to forgive me if this is boring. right now i am actually fed up with life. ive had enough and i want out. i am going through final exams right now and my hardest one is tomorrow. im so screwed for it so i dont know what to do. i feel sick and tired all the time and i cant do anything about it. my parents dont know, they think i'm fine, but im not. ive considered a few ways to die, but i havent tried to follow through on them at all yet. im on a hockey team at our school, but i never get to play because i suck, i can barely skate, let alone stick handle at the same time. all my other friends are great at the sports they play, its just me who isnt good. i dont know whats gonna happen in my life in the next few days... if you have any advice for me, on what to do with my life or how to get out of this depression, please comment.